In this excerpt from It’s Okay…, spiritual guide Jaya Kishori reminds us that true positivity isn’t about pretending everything is fine—it’s about accepting our pain, being patient with ourselves, and trusting that dark nights always lead to brighter mornings.
It’s Okay To Not Be Okay!
The other day, I was at a get-together that was attended by a sizeable number of people. I could spot some known faces, a few were friends, others with whom I have worked in the past, all mingling among themselves, amid a sea of unknown faces. They were greeting each other rather warmly, asking one another about how they have been, how their life was going. Most were responding in a very similar manner and tone, that ‘things were fine and that they were doing well’. Being in close proximity, I was able to overhear a few of these exchanges, when a question arose in my mind, ‘Was it a fact that they were indeed doing fine?’ ‘Could it be possible that there be someone in the world with whom all things were good and fine in life?’ ‘And that nothing was wrong in their lives,’ ‘No work or task of theirs was undone’. ‘That all or every of their relationships was good and none was troublesome or poor?’ To me, it seemed impossible.
Then it occurred to me that they, quite like me, were following an old lesson we learn when still young. When we are often advised by our elders:
• No matter what, you ought to be bold in the face of adversity
• You must always smile, even though you are hurting inside;
• You must not feel too sad about anything • You cannot afford to lose in life • You cannot get tired so easily;
• No matter what’s happening with you in your life, you must say, ‘It’s all okay.’ But the truth is, you are not!
In life, everything does not always go as we wish it to and to acknowledge this truth is our greatest strength. We tend to exaggerate and make a problem much bigger when we refuse to accept it. Life never runs perfectly; it is possible that on some days I don’t feel okay; which I believe is perfectly okay. When will we realize that ‘it’s okay –to not be okay’.
It is not necessary to be strong all the time; like it is not essential to smile at all times. If you are faced with problems in life, you must bear with it—but it is important that you also remind yourself that ‘things are not good’ and that ‘they are not running as you may have wanted’. Once this is done, you would perhaps be able to find a solution to the problem. If you keep feeding yourself with false beliefs about positivity that ‘Everything is going fine’ and that ‘You really do not have any problem’, then somewhere down the line, you are deceiving yourself. There is an increasing reliance and optimism that if you shoo away a problem or difficulty saying that nothing is wrong, or the problem or difficulty does not exist, you are relieved of it. This is one great fallacy. For the one in pain feels the pain, and no matter what is being said or needs to be believed, the pain does not subside on its own. This circumventing behaviour does not solve the problem. On the contrary, because you are not able to express the emotion, it becomes an added problem which is self-created.
The right way is to acknowledge that if you are in a given situation, then accept that you are in it. To be patient with that emotion is also a way to solve it. Remember, you are not the only one who is feeling this, there are numberless who are in the same boat— rather, most of humanity subsists in this. No one’s life is perfect, no matter how perfect they depict their lives to be on social media, it is far from that. However, not everyone has the courage to accept this fact. Maybe, you could try to do that? Not for anyone else but yourself. To realize that real positivity is not in ignorance but in acknowledgement. It is not about ignoring or running away from a problem but in accepting it.
I know it is easy to say such things, but difficult to live. I also know that if you are facing a difficult situation, you wish you could get out of it. I also know when a person is sad, he barely understands words of wisdom because of his pain and trauma. However, when one is in such a situation, one only needs to remind oneself that such a situation will not stay for long; it is only a passing phase. No situation stays permanently. The problem with which you were concerned or worried, say, five years ago, are you still worrying about those things? So quite like that, even the present ones would dissolve. Until then, we ought to learn to live with them. Therefore, it is important that we feel their presence and learn from them before they pass away.
At that time, you ought to keep reminding yourself, like morning follows night, your dark days will also end with a bright dawn. And if you wish to see that beautiful dawn, you must also experience the night. It is a matter of outlook; some enjoy the night and find it soothing; others are scared of it. So when you know that you need to pass the night, it makes a lot more sense that you pass it with a sense of tolerance and patience. Who knows, it might help to make your morning a little more beautiful than you had imagined. So it’s okay to not feel okay, but not okay to suppress those emotions and act as if everything is okay.
Know the hard times shall soon pass Though long and dark is your night; Be patient and have some faith A new dawn shall bring forth light.
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